I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
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The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”