I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
No one can handle that
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
A comic by Dan Piraro
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I can fix him.
it must be school picture day
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.