I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
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Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!