Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

me: having a blended family is challenging

person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?

me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.