I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
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interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
this has to be peak English
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes