I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
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Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?