Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan

It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

oh u like history? name everything that happened

Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

seems fine

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.

Dump her and find one with some money

no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I