Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist

The pasta is now

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund