I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
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If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
