Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
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Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
My birth announcement for our third baby
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.