i could miss 4 days of school in a row in HS and have all A’s and you zone out for 38 seconds in college and ur grade goes from a B to a G

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The longer you look at this the better it gets


I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.


The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.


My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone


[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”


*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*


My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.


Moon: Yo, Earth! Constant revolution?! Why so angry?

Earth: You just don’t understand the gravity of the situation.

Sun: Oooh… Burn!!!


“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”


My greatest accomplishment as a father? Teaching my son to scream, “I WANT MOMMY,” whenever my wife sends me into his room.