when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
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If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?