Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS

unbelievably distressed by this ad

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

To the max.. 😂

Sound on

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!

Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free