I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
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If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.