I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
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Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
yea so i messed up lol
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down