I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
You Might Also Like
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
How it started: How it’s going:
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.