I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
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TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
channeling her this year
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
work smarter, not harder
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.