Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?

Me: A terrified doctor.

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

[goes to walmart]

[later]

Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?

Me: Even better than that…

[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.