I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
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KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Look at this
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there