I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
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16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me