Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old

*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*

*silence*

Am I even in the right parking lot?

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.