Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

My five stages of waking up:

1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility

my nickname in college

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?

Her: it’s onomatopoeia.

Me: on what mat up there?

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.

He’s hoping to make big bucks.

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.