Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.

Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.