Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,

Shut up.

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

This tweet lives in my head rent free.

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

Golf would be better with landmines.

Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?

Me: I did not know that.

6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.