I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
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Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.