Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

It’s amazing how music can transport you to another place.

For example, this coffee shop is playing Justin Bieber, so I’m going to another restaurant.

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile

just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*

Well damn. Winter weather during the winter. What the hell is that all about?