I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
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Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend