Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

twitter is a journey

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

[11am]

Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.

A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”

Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.

everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

When life hands you women, make women laid.

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”