Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

i think we should see other cousins

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:

My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”

i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano

-me politely declining dates

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

*pronounces fake like saké*

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.