Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?

Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.

Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.

Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

[first day in hell]

Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!

Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing

Satan: HAHAH- what?

Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy

Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

If you love someone, let them tweet.

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight

Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”

When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…

Maybe there is a secret third thing

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included