Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now

CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.

Me: Gross.

My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too

Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”

I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.

Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

We have guests, go get the fancy cups.

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

and this one

Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol