Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

Date: describe yourself to me in three words

Me:

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?

Me: um yes. I’m married.

CG: *shrugs* your loss.

Me:

CG:

No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.