I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
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every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
my mind
You just read my mind
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
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“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.