Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

I went to wash my teens clothes at a beach trip.
His backpack was full of alcohol. Almost no clothes.

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.