i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
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god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed