Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

💻🤡

[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.