i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
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Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.