i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
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I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
How your email finds me
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
#milo
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
the composer
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG