i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
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Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
these two trucks have the same bed length
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple