Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t deal with men any longer

79.

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

Unimpressed

[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?