I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
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I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.
Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.