I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
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Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*