Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

*Geography Bee*

Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”

Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

Every photo I’m tagged in

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.