I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
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her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
and now we wait
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.