Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear

THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?

ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

I’m just playing devils avocado here

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

I’m a self-made hundredaire

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.