i could never be president. im overqualified.
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i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
GM✌🏻
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…