i could never be president. im overqualified.
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I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.