i could never be president. im overqualified.
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*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.