i could never be president. im overqualified.
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My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
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SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what