i could never be president. im overqualified.
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Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Frog purse.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.