I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
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Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
O Wise One….
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called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
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DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?