I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
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If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
cat vs inanimate object
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Seems legit
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Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?