I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
You Might Also Like
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband: