Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

[middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig

Wife:

Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

Them: You look tired.

Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

HER: have you decided where you’re going to live

ME: I’m still on the fence

HER: that’s why I asked

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

Cat is stressing him out.

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?