I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
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dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us