Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions

My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

disney ceo: live action little mermaid

animator: yep

ceo: it’s in the ocean

animator: got it

ceo: coral reefs

animator: understood

ceo: lots of fish

animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other