Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

(grounding my kid) go outside.

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you

Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

Mom: here comes the plane!

Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?

In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.

As he expected, no one came.

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
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