Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.

*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.

SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT

The cat has already been fed.

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T