I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
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Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress