I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
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I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Voting is the worst group project
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.