I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
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It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
When I laugh on my period
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Approached a patron who was cooking a pot of ramen at a study table and said “I’m sorry but you can’t do that in the library.”
Indignantly they responded “Where do you expect me to do it? At my house?”
And I was like “Well when you say it like that it does sound unreasonable.”
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now