I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
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who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
The biggest mystery of our time
