I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
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When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Is anyone gonna tell them?
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As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Passwords are more important than ever.
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Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
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Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.