I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
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Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it