I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
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Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I’m not lazy
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡