I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
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Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
when I was a toddler I couldn’t sit still on my first airplane ride and the flight attendant’s response was to simply take me into the cockpit to bother the pilots
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?