Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

Yes, this is exactly right

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.

What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.

Them: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Yes.

Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”

HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.

Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…

Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].

Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.

Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?