I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
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Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Mike is short for Micycle
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
A great first step 😂
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”