I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
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No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Sounds like a real hoot.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.