Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it