Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

bought wrong eggs

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

[Throwing change in a well]

Me: I wish you well.

Well: I already am a well.

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.

Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.