Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.

Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

aesthetic

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

smh

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

Wonders if chickens do the funky people.

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”

They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26