Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

knights of the ikea table

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”