i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
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I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
S/o to @funTweeters .
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS