Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me

My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.

Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

Choose your fighter

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.