I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
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ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.