Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name. lol.

God: are you serious?

Owl: no i’m Owl : )

God:

Owl:

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

how was your vacation

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

ㅤ

Damn he played himself

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.