I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
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my tinder date sounds fun: fingerblaster69. he probably does that finger guns thing. i love that
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
My dog ate my work from home.
This meeting could have been a cake
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
the Monday after daylight savings
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?