Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?

Me: …hiss like a cat?

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..