I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
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What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I’m literally crying
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Saturday
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
omg leave her alone
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..