Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

When can I start eating bats again.

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring