I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
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Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.![]()
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.