I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
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[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Never forget.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
may you live out your days in such a way that they can’t identify the body.
-old irish blessing
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit