Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

Childbirth is so beautiful

Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone