I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
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Ok cat haters, explain this…
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
My god she’s good.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I’m not sorry.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.