I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
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Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
I have obtained a hat
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.