I could NOT have put it better myself.
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Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.